My depression is getting worse and worse. I've been on soo many pills, and they're just not working.
I'm not even up AND down anymore. I'm just DOWN. Always down, constantly down. Always something to be down about.
Cutting, smoking, drinking, getting drunk. It's not enough to kill the pain. I don't know how to kill the pain. I'm starting to think it's meant to be there. I'm starting to think there's no way out.
All I do is cry anymore.
I used to hallucinate from all the drugs. Now I don't even see cool things. I just see my life, and nothing much layed out in front of me...
I'm so jealous of all these bitches with lovers and husbands. I hate every woman's guts who's pregnant. That should be me. I should have someone. I should be on my way to having babies. I used to think that having a child is the only thing that could cure my depression. There's no point in having a child unless I have a father for the child.
There's no point in anything anymore.
They all make me smile. All the boyfriends and girlfriends and husbands and wives and babies and families. I smile when I see them. I hate them.
I feel so alone. I've got no one. I've got nothing.
My family's not even holding me back anymore.
My brother, oh god I love him. I love him so much.
And yet I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend everything is all right.

I'm so fucking stuck in this skin.
I'm so scared of failing if I were even to try.

And now, I'll have to leave my thoughts to get ready for work.
I'm going to go to work with a cut up wrist and pretend that everything's all right.
Oh, it's all right.
Everything's all right here...

today is exactly 4 months since we broke up.
four months; how can eternity move so slowly and so quickly?

i'm proud for not realizing it sooner.
i'm miserable because i feel like i should have suffered all day long.


i keep turning corners,
looking out the window,
walking down the street,
staring down cars,
listening for the slighest sound...
maybe, just maybe you're out tonight.
maybe, just maybe you feel as alone, lost, and confused as i.

you touched me today, did you know?
you bumped right into me.
i didn't withdrawl immediately, only after i had fully realized it wasn't an accident.
please don't do that again.

we're looking at each other now.
ever i had the balls to repremand you for stealing my stand yesterday.
and how today i gave your legs that look because they were stomping around in the band room, but i couldn't stop myself from looking up when i know you noticed.
you held my gaze, and gave me this look, and made this sound-effect.
it was civil.
we were civil.
it's what i thought i wanted, but now i don't know...

oh, please stop looking at me like that, so shamlessly.
oh, please don't stop.
don't ever stop loving me.
though i'm not quite sure it matters now...

it's over.
we're over.
we've been over.
for 4 months now.

i can't even weep openly, my body's paralyzed.
but i can't stop this petty, bullshit crying.
i want to sob.
i want to mourn.
i want to ache.

but everything's soo dull.
everything's soo old.
everything hurts, but not like it should.

how long will this go on for?
when will i stop caring?
when will you be another Kathryn to me?

i'm sorry.
i'm soo sorry.
can you just hold me one more time?
can you please just comfort me?
can i please have one more kiss?
can't i just say goodbye?

i hate your new haircut.
and your especially-green-today eyes.
i hate your face.
and the noise you make.
and how obnoxious you are.
and how immature you are.
but don't you understand i put that all aside?
i would have married you, i've accepted all of your faults.
i'm willing to carry you with me.

we were supposed to be together.
and now we're not.
how did things go this wrong?
how did i fall this hard?
why did it get this bad?

WHY CAN'T EVERYTHING GO BACK TO NORMAL?
WHEN YOU WERE STUPID AND I HAD A BEST FRIEND AND A FUCKED UP FAMILY, BUT A FAMILY NONE THE LESS?
WHEN I WAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL GETTING STRAIGHT A'S, WHEN I HAD MOTIVATION AND A WILL TO LIVE?
WHEN I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE SHIT EVERYDAY AND EVERY NIGHT.
WHEN I DIDN'T DREAD WAKING UP, FACING EVERY DAY.
WHEN I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE CUTTING MYSELF EVERY FUCKING DAY.
WHEN IT WAS AN ART AND DIDN'T SCAR FOR LONG.
WHEN IT WASN'T DEEP AND WHEN IT WAS STILL PAINFUL.
WHEN EVERYTHING MADE SENSE.

who am i kidding?
there was no normal.
there never was.
there never will be.

am i doomed to feel this way forever?
this is soo messed up.

it hurts to wake.
it hurts to sleep.
it hurts to eat.
it hurts to breathe.
it hurts to live.

i want my medication back.
i want to feel normal.

I just really want to die...

if this is what love really feels like,
i have nothing to look forward to in life.
i have no reason to live.

if i spoke German
and was tiny
and gorgeous
and perfect
would you still ignore me?

i told you i cared for you.
i told you i liked you.
i told you that night wasn't justanight.

i'm happy i told you the truth.
feelings are hard for me to express.
but i'm not happy you're ignoring me.

you'd be so perfect for me.
i'd be so perfect for you.
please, let me complete you.


you should be mine...
fuck.
just fuck.

i'm manic today.
i can't quite think straight.
thoughts are racing,
no concentration.
i feel like drawing,
creating.
i want to be a creator.
i want to be something.
i want to be better than i am.
i want so much more than what i have.

[...]

mixed emotions.
misconceptions.
mixed opinions.

how can something so right be so wrong?

i'm coming down from the temporary high.
instead of wants,
i want not.
[to not exist]


there is no one in this world that can comfort me.
please, someone...
take me away from here.
take me away from me.

give me a break.
break me out of my shell.
let me blossom
under the sun.

i long for love.
instead i find lust.

please, can i someday just be me?
instead of something i've taught myself to be?

i'm sick. and i'm tired.
but i'm more sick and tired of being sick and tired.
will this ever end?

i laugh. i cry.
sometimes at the same time.
and i know it's not right.

i'll smile for a while,
but i'll cry in the end.
how is it that you're soo strong
when you're really this weak?

how am i soo bold
when i'm really this meek?

you can't live this way,
with these thoughts.
so am i not real?
i don't even think i feel real.
but i'm not a fake.
i'm more real than most people can get around here.
but what about out there?

i want to run.
run run run far away from everything i've ever known.
i feel like it's the only way i'll ever be free.
but what is free? and how much will it cost me when i get there? wherever there is.
i'm sure it'll be better than here.

but then...
when i am dying
i always stop myself
because i stop to think
"what if it's just as bad over there?
what if it's... worse?"
how can you die when you're dead?
how can you kill yourself once you've committed suicide?

no one knows.
nothing. anything.
it's a mystery.
no evidence,
no proof,
only theory.
theory isn't good enough,
but apparently curiousity isn't good enough either?

will i ever press down that road again?
will i ever break into the blue?
will i realease the rouge from my bodily prison?
will i allow myself to bleed out onto everything around me?
will i allow someone to find me?

they can't know.
no one can ever know.
no one can ever find me.
it'll have to be far away.
where i'm alone.
or with her.
but it is right to take someone with me?
i once thought not.
i once did everything to avoid that.
but now...
now i want it.
i need it.
the company.
someone who understands what it's like to want to die,
to hate everyone and everything,
to feel so lost,
to be so broken,
so unmanagably fixable,
something so tough and so fraigile
it's uncanny.
we're uncanny.

she wants me.
and i want to want her.
but she's not good enough.
will anyone ever be good enough?
she's good. but not enough.
she wants me.
and i want her.
but only in every sense that shouldn't count.
she is me.
she is a minime.
beautiful and dangerous as can be.
she's volitile.
she's angry.
and she hates, like me.
but i love.

i love to be in love.
it's all about the rush.
but i haven't found enough.


i'm still waiting...

give me the gun,
but forget to load it.
i want to be held responsible for my own actions tonight.

take my hand.
kiss my cheek.
tell me you love me.

Now kiss me goodbye.
...goodbye.

The thought that last night might never happen again makes me want to kill myself...

I cut the shit out of myself today.

...Yet I'm glad it happened.

OMG! TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY!?
Yeah. Get over it.
So... I guess Douglas is still at the Zeames household? -twitch-
I saw Mrs. Zeames at TOPS today. I pray she did not recognize me with my short-redish hair and glasses. Though, my glasses are the "sexy librarian" glasses, and I'm pretty sure she did... -.-; -cries-
I miss her so much. It's too bad shit happened like it did... God. My life sucks.
I'm soo fucking stressed out I'm emotionally drained. I really fucking want to slit my wrist... Or a few people's throats...
Jesus Christ! I have two fucking stalkers. Forget only one! TWO! Bastards. Can't stand Lewiston. And I thought I found someone I could run away with but I'm soo fucking pissed at them. For no reason. And I think they know I'm ignoring them. After they IMed me I put up an away message basically stating that they could fuck themselves up the ass. And when they txted me, I ignored them. They signed offline. Probably to call one of my almost-men. Fuck that. Or to get offline and slit their wrist. And maybe tomorrow I'm gonna feel really bad acting this fucking mean, but I don't care right now. I'm too fucking... blah. And this is my fucking blog. Which is like a journal. For my thoughts. And no one uses GJ anymore, so I'm not afraid to say all this shit. And I'm not afraid to be public, because maybe someone should see what's going on in my head, because if I fucking die extremely randomly maybe someone should see how I got that fucked up.
I stole razors from work today. They're fucking hot. I'm finally getting a collection again.
...I'm soo excited for this party on Thursday. Weed? Probably. Will I do it? Maybe.
-le sigh- I'm soo far gone.
My morals are still there, I know what I've been doing is wrong. I just don't care anymore.
And as the infamous Chris (madchal45) says, I'm throwing a temper-tantrum. With my body. And maybe I am. But it's MY BODY and I'm fucking entitled to it. God!
I need a fucking emotional release. NOW! -dies- I'm soo overwhelmed. Fucking school bastards pushed all this work on me at the last minute! And Camaratta's a Nazi and won't let me have an extention.
Ughhh... I could killlll... myself. lol. Not Camaratta. She's just a douche bag. It's not her fault things are uberly fucked up. It's only her fault that she doesn't understand.
And fucking Chuck! THANKS FOR CALLING ME BACK! I really appreciated that. Not like I need to know that deadline. And we all know how fucking attatched to that damn cell phone you are. "Just wait untill you get a cell phone, I'm going to txt you all the time!" LMFAO. SOO FUCKING FUNNY CHARLES! Damn, if you're going to start to lie to me again, choose something I can't catch you with. Bastard.
Why is everyone such a fucking asshole!? This place is a fucking asshole-airport!
I HATE EVERYTHING!
Remember when I used to hate myself? I'm just starting to realize it was never me... It was everyone and everything else... I hate everything soo much I thought I hated myself.
I'm soo glad Brian came to see me today. He makes me smile when I don't want to. He makes me smile WAYYY too much! But he's not here right now and I'm not smiling. UGH.
Patrick asked me to the dance on the 10th! I'm excited! I LOVE DANCING! I LOVE DANCING WITH PATRICK!
I just need a dress. And shit. OH! And to go back to school. That's generally a guideline. Hmm...
Do I even WANT to go back to school? No. I really don't. Oh fucking well. It's gotta happen eventually. We shall see as of Wednesday.

So... I mixed my two different sets of friends together two nights ago...
And they mixed pretty damn well... I don't think I like that idea very much...
I don't think I have the right to be angry/upset, infact, I *know* I don't. But I am. You can't try and rationalize emotions and feelings...
Now I've got him calling her, and I don't like that idea. They're both mine and they should both be mine. They don't belong to one-and-other. They belong to me/I belong to them. They shouldn't belong together.
-le sigh- We had a good time. But now I'm afriad of them having a good time without me. =[ They're talking on their own, which leads for people doing things on their own (AKA: without me, you know, the one who brought them together!) Whatever. So, fuck you. I'm jealous. I don't like this...
At least I get to see Brian today. <3
...You know someone's special when they make you curl up into the fetal position laughing-covering-your-face-crying, against the bakery fridge. lol. So FUCK THEM I don't need them. They were like "gateway drugs." They messed me up, only so I desire to get more messed up. lol. That sounds soo fucked up. -It's not like that I promise.
I'll get over this... I promise. x] I won't be jealous much longer. Or... if I am... I will remove myself from their presence. lol.
(Seriously, though.^) That's right. I said it.

You cross me,
I'll CROSS. YOU. OUT.

currently viewing:
most recent entries
<< Re-Wind?